What's the problem?

Pull it together.

I often find that couples are trying to solve the wrong problem, though not because they’re deciding who takes out the trash when they should be figuring out how to have more time together.

If they’re in disagreement about how to handle the division of household labor, or how to relate to metamours, or what it means to make space for each other in their lives, any of those conversations could be both deeply meaningful and an important negotiation of difference.

But it might still be the wrong problem if they can’t work on it together.

If one person says, I think we need more quality time, let’s start planning weekly date nights, and the other says, I can’t possibly find any time in my schedule to do that, the conversation could quickly escalate. They’d likely be arguing about their calendars and whose priorities are more valued and who does more for the relationship—even if they both genuinely want to improve it.

A problem needs to be well-defined before moving toward solutions. The best kinds of problems are those that a couple agrees they’re trying to solve, even if they have no idea how to solve them. This argument about when and whether to have date nights is not yet a shared problem.

If this couple examines why one person thinks they need more time together, they might discover that they’re both hoping to feel more connected or to have more adventures together. Date Night put them on opposite sides of a problem, but Road Trip or Different Sex or New Recipe could be a shared endeavor. The possible solutions expand to include anything they find connecting or adventurous.

Most problems aren’t so easily navigated, but it helps to get on the same side. Identifying a problem you’re both trying to solve is a starting place.

If you ‘re a queer couple looking for support to solve problems together, get in touch.