Why is this so hard?

upright and not crying could be a high bar

My college sweetheart was a math major. Calculus wasn’t making much sense to me, so I asked for help. She took a look at the problems and said, Oh this is easy—and I felt defeated.

In more recent years, I’ve had plenty of lifters shout Light Weight! like marines yelling Oorah! at me while I’ve held significantly more than my own body weight on my shoulders. It’s a You got this!—and maybe that’s what my partner meant, too. But in general I think that if you’re carrying a heavy burden and someone says, Oh that’s so light, it’s hard not to hear that struggling under it is a you problem. You’re weak.

If you talk to someone about how hard life is, they might say It’ll be OK, or It’s not that bad. Reassurance is so well meaning. But if it’s not that bad, then why does it feel like this? Why are you suffering? Because you haven’t tried hard enough?

When someone recognizes your burden, when they say, Oh yeah, that’s heavy, (and maybe even Let me help), they’re acknowledging that bearing up under it requires strength and fortitude.

What if you’re barely managing to stay alive and upright in this world? If we see the ways the world really is against you, even out to kill you and your kindred, then your continued survival and all of your efforts toward it—however small they may appear—are acts of resistance. You’re trying, you’re fighting. You’re finding ways to move within powerful constraints. You are carrying on, even though it’s really fucking hard.

Let me help.

If you’re a queer couple who wants a therapist who honors your struggle, let’s talk.